So 2018 has been a struggle so far. Trying to go from being in a solid (or a least I thought it was solid) relationship to nothing has taken a toll. I can't even hold a conversation with someone I feel attracted to without feeling some sort of remorse for past mistakes or even flashbacks of similar events to what happened back in July and August. So all of this has made for excellent motivation to start working on a new project and jump starting getting fit prior to my move to Tennessee (pending possible changes with work). It has been a tough experience but it has only strengthened my thoughts toward where I want to direct the rest of my life. Fears from previous experiences and dark thoughts in my head had plagued me and my life for years, and now I am finally translating that frustration into positives. Recent successes have only but confirmed this feeling, whereas I have already shed a few pounds (that feels weird to say...) and I have gotten back to doing legitimate research on a topic I am passionate about.
I had gone so 'gun-ho' at the beginning of the year and I feel like, for the most part, that was an over correction. I feel like now I am finally settling into where I am in life and who/what really matters. Over the years, I have learned how my mind works and how I can kind of steer it in the right direction. I have talked about it generally but to be more specific, I have suffered from thoughts and anxieties for years that have caused a lot of pain and worry in my life. I have spent a lot of time hiding and trying to rationalize it, whereas I have found little satisfaction with my own results. Which brings us to now and my progress; I have spent so much effort trying to find distractions to heal. Healing is not something that comes easy but with the support I have with friends and family, I feel like progress has been made.
I have also spent some time with friends and have decided to pursue an education in photography in addition to my current goals in education. I will do as much independent learning as possible but plenty of mentors are around me at work and elsewhere for inspiration and guidance.
I know this is a bit of an odd post but this is what you get at midnight after much thought.